Schumacher to the rescue

Oh leave it to Michael Schumacher to get me out of my daze of exams and into a blogging mood. Apparently my comatose state can now be called officially over, and you ask why would this be the case. Well simple Schumacher commandeered his own taxi and drove it down the autobahn in record minivan taxi speed.

So the full story about Schumacher is as follows, apparently he went to go pick up a dog an Australian Shepherd, and once he had picked up the dog with his wife and two children he noticed that they were a little late getting back to the airfield for their flight home. Well in doing so el master driver, politely asked the cab driver if he could drive the vehicle, which the cab driver readily agreed too, and Schumacher drove down the autobahn in a minivan, clocking just about 160km per hour and according to the drive making passes that only he wished he could make and kept the peddle to the metal even around corners.

So which begs the question... with Schumacher in retirement, isn't there a bunch of jobs he could take over and save countless lives, or time for other individuals... could you see the money he could make on the autobahn driving people safely to there destination as quickly as possible, or what about these following sources of employment.

5. Firetruck Driver: A big red truck, sure he has never raced trucks before, nor has he ever entered into any NASCAR truck series, but I figure he can learn quickly and be able to put that lack of a turning radius in the truck to go use.
4. The Organ Donor Driver: Yes I know that this gets flown in and such, but sometimes it gets driven from hospital to hospital, and who better at making sure a timely delivery occurs other than Schumacher... though currently Lewis Hamilton is giving him a run for his money.
3. The Fed Ex Delivery Man: Everyone needs to get there mail, and fed-ex does like to promise next morning delivery, or same day delivery for that matter, so you can replace all those bicycle delivery boys in Boston and replace them with Schumacher, he can do the job quicker and more efficiently then anyone else on the earth.
2. Pizza Delivery Boy: The smell of pizza comes to mind, you want it hot, you want it on time and you don't want to lose money because of late pizzas, so call in Michael, who can make all the right moves so that you can have a salami and cheese pizza.
1. Ambulance Driver: This is probably the best job for him, he can save lifes, and has good reflexes and find the holes through traffic to get to the hospital, as well, since he won't have as big of a vehicle unlike that firetruck he can make more use of the lights and horns and pretend that he is racing for the championship with the crowd cheering him on.

Bitch... oh wait you're white

They say a picture tells a million words, but I don't think it's just a picture that tells a million words, a video tells just as many words and gets you to wonder whether people process or not what they actually say to the camera.




Isiah has perfectly portrayed what is known as racism... go figure it's black on black, but it's still racism whether you see it or not... especially when he says it's worse for a white man compared to a black man. I don't know if both sides aren't enjoying what's being said and can't laugh about it, then well maybe you should cut it out and not say it in front of them all the time. Isiah might do better if he called a male a bitch, I just want to see the results of whether or not he gets himself looking for that special bar of soap in prison or the fact he'll be buried 10 feet underground by the Serbian mafia (Darko has to be involved with them somehow, only reason he could possibly justify those comments he made about the Italians).

I will admit I have watched this trial from afar, and to me it's almost as entertaining as the OJ murder trial (if the glove does not fit you must acquit) or the Gold Club trial... yes we can all remember Patrick Ewing's wonderful testimony on receiving a lap dance or two. But yes, trials are great, though it's only a gigantic car wreck waiting to happen in this trial, especially for the likes of Isiah Thomas, James Dolan and the Knicks. Don't worry we will remember them for their wonderful basketball managerial skills, and not the fact that they fired someone, made leud sexual advances and the fact that Stephon Marbury managed to bang an intern or two.




Not sure how this will affect Stephon's season, I suspect for the better, for once he'll be able to play semi-reliable defense, you know since he did go on trial for the defense for once. In the end Marbury may have provided exactly what this trial needed, since the jury was falling asleep, he managed to mix his skills of being a lover of sex, and a man with great taste, yes the back of the vehicle always works well. In the end we can expect no less from the great organization that the Knicks have now become. Can't wait for jury deliberations to end next week and we can all see the debauchery of this trial, because it could have all been prevented if James Dolan had just thrown money at it.

Bing Bang Stick It In, Goodnight!!

**Warning, Gruesome Photo Ahead**

That's enough of a warning, by gruesome I mean a slight injury to a nose, don't worry I'm not about to post Alan Smith breaking his leg for Manchester United back a year ago. So enough of that silly topic, let's hit up the hardwood.

Yes it's basketball playoffs, and to say it's great to watch on HDTV, I've decided it's the best sport to watch on that, mind you I haven't seen curling or for that matter football, but the shiny floor is just so mesmerizing to watch. *Reminder at times I have the brain of a monkey* Anyways I have a few favourite moments of the last 2 weeks of basketball bliss... and by the way it's been bliss, not as interesting as overtime in the NHL. But the Golden State versus Dallas series did enough to keep me distracted from hockey.

Which brings me to my new favorite picture of all time. I would like to congratulate Baron Davis for choosing to wear this ridiculous outfit before a game. Anyone who is able to wear a scarf and at the same time have bullets in his hat can now be my new favorite player *This does not mean that I will draft him in the 1st round of any basketball pool, a reminder to my friends on that front*.



By the way check out that playoff beard, it's very nice as Borat would say.

Moving on, talk about round 2. Even though it has already started, oh well, let's break it down.
Detroit versus Chicago: I've decided the Eastern Conference sucks until it gets to the conference finals. Chicago is good and all, but they are too young and too inexperienced to get the job down against a team that rarely loses it's composure when Rasheed Wallace is on the bench.
New Jersey versus Cleveland: So basically Lebron versus, Kidd-Jefferson-Carter. I have no interest in this series, mostly because I hate both cities, yes I've never visited, but if Charles Barkley can hate on Oakland, I can sure hate on Cleveland and New Jersey.
Golden State versus Utah: Ah the mormons made it through, now it's a game of low post versus 3 point shooting. Something says it will all depend on what type of tempo Golden State gets to play, get Utah to run and gun and the win, if not, well they might as well be happy they made the playoffs this year.
Phoenix versus San Antonio: Okay, so apparently it's okay to make someone bleed, check the below picture, if this series doesn't go to 7 games I will feel cheated, it's the best series to watch in the 2nd round, as long as you don't mind seeing a bunch of flopping. San Antonio makes Ronaldo look tame at diving, yes I'm looking at you Parker and Ginobli.



Steve Nash is right now thinking this means war Eva, invite me to your wedding already, I'm french enough living in Canada.

**SOCCER**
Congrats to PSV and Manchester for winning their respective league titles, yes PSV with a dramatic comeback victory from 3rd to 1st in the last day of competition, it was amazing stuff to witness.

**HOCKEY**
Just get ready for the Sabres versus Sens series, I'm just hoping a brawl breaks out in the first game between these two sides, both have a lot of hatred towards one another.

Playoffs and all

Well while trying to recover from the stimulation of watching a sea turtle race. (just go to colbertnation and follow the link), I've noticed that it's playoff hockey and basketball time. Which means this is the best time of year for sports bar none. Cause as well football is starting to come to a close as well over the next couple of months as well (the non american variety).

So yes, I was tempted to blog about all the teams and so forth and give my predictions, but I've decided that having maggie the monkey beat me in a competition of predictions is not only uncool but also would be quite the burst to my ego. But alas let's look at the series in the NBA first quickly.

Detroit versus Orlando (Goliath versus David)
Simple Goliath wins, Orlando is a SG/actual PG away from being dominant, and if Darko every decided to wake up... which would be a first finally, then well he's wouldn't be the worst 2nd draft pick since Len Bias (was that cocaine reference too soon).

Chicago versus Miami (Youth versus Veteran)
Well after over paying for Ben Wallace, Chicago comes in with a deep rotation and a problem with not trading for Kevin Garnett, yup that's going to hunt them for a while. Miami on the other hand has a 50% Wade and a 100% immovable object in Shaq (by the way I'm just waiting for him to go all cop on Ben Wallace and tell him that he will arrest him for having a headband on)

Toronto versus New Jersey (The ex-sanity)
Yes that's about as good of a Vince Carter reference I can come up with. And I hate to say it, but Toronto is too young, no matter how many veteran European players are playing on your team. Toronto does not have the dominating Center, sorry Rasho, and New Jersey is just too veteran of a squad these days.

Cleveland versus Washington (Overpaid, No HIBACHI)
Need I say more, this series could have been great if Gerald Wallace didn't decide to fly through the air like he was in the cirque de soleil, and land on Arenas' leg. And if Caron Butler could convince the rim and backboard to be nicer to his hand next time, maybe we would have actually had a decent series... sadly we won't.

Dallas versus Golden State (Patch Beard versus Man Beard)
Yup Baron Davis has one sweat Beard, it's more dense then his hair, and to me that's hard to find in a good beard. It will be a tough series, and maybe Dirk will grow a playoff beard as well, to attempt to match and beat Baron Davis. I seriously would love to see Davis playing hockey right about now, he would fit right in.

Phoenix versus Kobe (Team versus One man show)
Need I say anything else about this. If Kobe can somehow pull this off I'll be impressed, the man though should have just manned up to Shaq back in the day and said he needed him to be able to win championships... maybe he doesn't want too. Maybe he really just wants to beat Wilt's 100 point night record. Either way Nash and the team philosophy of the Suns is usually too hard to handle.

San Antonio versus Denver (Balding versus 3 hour hair jobs)
Yes did anyone notice the hair of AI and Carmelo, like honestly, they are looking like twins. Maybe they both bought into the team philosophy together and as well enjoy manicures and pedicures together as well. On the other hand, someone should find a black paint can and spray the bald spot in Manu's head. It's terrible to watch on HD TV to be honest.

Houston versus Utah (The world versus the mormons)
Yup, I can't stay away from a mormon reference let's be honest. But then again when Houston has all of china behind them, with both Ming and McGrady (I know McGrady isn't chinese but his jersey sales would say otherwise in China). Also not that all of china is the world, but it's a lot bigger than mormon country is in Salt Lake. Again as long as neither of two bigs get injured for Houston, then it will be one tough series. Yes you thought I was going to predict now didn't you.

Anyways there's my small run down of the NBA playoffs.

I would like to remind everyone, that the Dutch Eredivise is very exciting right now with AZ, PSV and Ajax, all tied at the top of the table, with one game remaining and AZ holding the lead in goal differential. Yes I haven't see this happen in the Dutch league ever, or maybe I just didn't pay attention, all I know is there is going to be a lot of scoreboard watching next weekend to see who will win. I hope AZ does, they need to continue to build the history they have been putting together in the last few years and deserve it for their brilliant offensive soccer they have been playing.

Why soccer is the best

Well coming from a northern climate and all, and living in Canada after all, myself saying soccer is the best is quite sac religious to be perfectly honest. I do realize I live in hockey country and I will admit hockey is a great sport and invokes passion in all of us, myself included. The thing is though it's a different passion, if Canada sucked at hockey and lost the series in 72, things would be mighty different (I swear Joe I never read that anywhere). But in fact we won that series and continue to flex our muscles in the NHL with close to 50% players coming from Canada, but not winning the gold medal very much at the Olympics. Actually we are the Brazil of hockey or I might dare say the Netherlands but since they never won I can't say we are like them. Mind you tiny yet mighty, but that is for a different discussion.

This discussion is to attempt to illustrate why soccer is better in my mind, I will not say better athletes, though some could argue, but then again that is comparing apples and oranges, all athletes are great, all sports are great, yes even figure skating and synchronize swimming takes a lot of skill. So we can already discard fighting about that theory.

Now let's look at the referees in the both games.... well the only good part is that their are no judges to irrational rate you based on the country you come from, and pull out marks that make no sense (diving, figure skating). Both games have at times terrible refereeing that decide games; hockey anytime the Maple Leafs are playing and in soccer I remind myself once daily about the Dutch versus Portugal game of this past world cup campaign. Again perfectly even.

So really, what it comes down to is soccer is the best purely on two aspects, the fact that soccer players are able to get themselves in a ton of trouble all the time in the most silly of ways, and secondly the fans have more passion and more lust for their team then any redneck who watches and follows NASCAR every week.

To illustrate this fact I will go over my top 10 moments of 2007 so far.

10. Fan rushes onto the pitch after Chelsea and Tottenham play in a FA Cup game on March 19. In this attempt to fan who is a Tottenham supporter attempts to take on the Chelsea team, specifically John Terry the captain of Chelsea. Not that I condone running onto the field to punch a rival team's star player, but well it's all about the passion of cheering for the home side. (on a side note; great job Sens fans, keep up the good work on Crosby)

9. Great goal celebration... I came across this a few weeks back, wait it was posted on deadspin, thank you deadspin without you soccer would not be seen by most USA web people and Jim Rome would have won the battle against soccer. But seriously does any other league have as good as celebrations as these guys do. (I will admit the CFL celebrations are great, and sometimes the NFL).



Personal favorite celebration is when the Celtic player dives to the ground, and then two parts it by getting up and walking around like a zombie. Honorable mentions: The Snorting of the touch line and the golf swing.

8. Well sure we have seen glass fall down during a game, or a rim break, but has anyone seen the stadium billboards get torn off onto the field and whack a few players. Again on in soccer and only in South Africa does this happen. This happened in January of this year. Suffice to say no one got seriously injured thankfully.


7.

Need I really say more here, a sculptor of Ronaldihno (Brazilian superstar) was made in the shape of a horse with his face inplanted into it. Then attempted to be sold on ebay for the cool price of 25000 dollars. Yes I'm waiting for the Sidney Crosby Titanic sculptor to come so, so I can start bidding.



6. Fans support is always looked for, and sometimes that fan goes the extra mile to get the job done. Take for example this fan named Isaac Juma from Kenya, who paints his body before every match into a traditional witch doctor look. While that isn't cool enough he even goes the extra mile as he is quoted telling the BBC as follows

"After being painted I stop talking to anybody, abstain from sex and do nothing to compromise my concentration until after the match
First of all, I have to buy my own paint, then pay the person to decorate me all over my body.

That is not to mention the barber who shaves me before I go to the field."

Yes that's right folks, he gets a barber to shave him before every match, he pays for everything himself to do it, and he also has no sex after getting painted until the match is over. I will always salute fans that go the extra mile to help ones team out... that being Kenya's national team that hasn't really done much lately alas.

5. Never get in the way of drunken soccer fans... especially when they are rival soccer fans and are looking for some reason to fight. You just may lose a body part of two. Or that's what happened to a poor bartender who tried to break up a fight between Bulgarian fans throwing pro-Turkish remarks to a bunch of Greek fans.

I tried to split them up and ended up on the floor with one of the Bulgarians biting one ear and another one chewing the other ear off," Tsibibakis told state television on Wednesday from hospital. "I need to have plastic surgery. Doctors told me they cannot just stitch them back on," Tsibibakis said. "At least I still have the pieces that were bitten off.

Ah yes, the thought of Mike Tyson being there would have made this story so much more perfect, but alas maybe Dracula does live on in all of us after all.

4. Well you know what they say, always check to make sure your tattoo artist is a fan of your team before going to him to put your team's logo on your back. Maybe it would have been better if he branded himself somewhere else. You ask what happened. Well nothing like going to Argentina and attempting to get the Boca Juniors (big club in Argentina) tattooed into your back.













I'll let the news excerpt quote what happened exactly

A tattoo artist from Argentina is facing a lawsuit after drawing a penis on the back of an Argentinean football fan instead of his favorite team's official logo. Reports said the teenager approached the tattoo artist and asked him to tattoo the logo of the Boca Junior football team on his back. However, the tattooist was an avid supporter of the rival team (River Plate) and decided to play a prank on his young customer. After reaching home, the victim proudly showed his parents his new tattoo and was surprised to learn that a penis was tattooed on his back.

Ah the wonderful feeling of walking around with a tattoo of a penis in your back.

3. I've always hated the Czechs, mostly because Holland usually had to play them to qualify for the world cup, or euro, or play in the same group of them, but that doesn't mean I don't read up on the cool hip happenings. Well in this case after a loss in Euro 2008 qualifying game, Tomas Rosicky and some of his Czech teammates decided to rent a few whores... err hugging companions for the night, sadly one of them was a reporter.

Arsenal star Tomas Rosicky and five of his Czech Republic team-mates landed the whole squad a £25,000 fine from the Czech FA after spending a night in a hotel with six prostitutes. A female Czech journalist broke the story after she had visited the hotel room herself as an autograph hunter. Players 'drank and hugged prostitutes' while she spoke to Jan Polak at the room door.

Rosicky apologised for his actions at a press conference. He said: 'We have been correctly punished. We are very sorry.' However, he said he had a 'clear conscience' when asked about the presence of the prostitutes.

Nothing says having a banging good time in Prague like a bunch of whores in a hotel room, maybe it was their attempt at slump busting.

2. Ah yes, being a soccer player you would suspect you make lots of money and have an easy time buying home accessories, or so one would think. Well not in the case of Glen Thomson (English Defender) and Ben May (Millwall Striker. Who both decided that the best idea to do would be to go ahead and steal a toilet seat. Now yes I did say a toilet seat, shared between the two of them I suppose (I have no idea what two soccer players would be buying a toilet seat together) but it gets better, they attempted to steal it by placing the toilet seat that was more expensive in a cheaper ones box until a 74 year old security guard caught them. Ah well the security guard is more shifted then two fleet footed soccer players.
Alas may a poor sap one day make a public service announcement that says the following:"Don't steal toilet seats cause you are only going to go in the shitter" Ah yes youth is served!

1. Ah time for the feel good story of the year, the one that puts soccer on top for the clear fact that no where else would this story ever get spilled out into the public for why a player got suspended. Marco Borriello a pretty much unused Striker for AC Milan, got suspended for 6 months because he tested positive for a performing enhancing drug. Now this sounds pretty standard, until you find out why he failed the test. Apparently and according to his wife, Marco used his wife's cortisone cream to get rid of an STD after having sex with her. So yes wife gets infected, uses cream, Marco catches infection, has wife give cream, places cream down there, gets drug tested, tests positive, has wife tell the media what happened. Yup I think this could have gone alot better for poor Marco if he had just shut up and enjoyed the 2 year ban he would have gotten which would have alloted more time for him to bang his supermodel wife. Yes I forgot to state the part where all soccer players get young supermodel wives. Yes Mr. Yashin you can take that up your pipe and smoke it.












I figured a picture of her would suffice as well.

There you have it, the top 10 moments of this year, and it's only almost 1/3 of the way through, I can't wait for the next 2/3. And again, I don't hate hockey I just think there is more passion and more amusement in following soccer and the silly things that they seem to do. On that note, Go Sens Go.